Talking to Chino the other day about what we were going to be up to in the coming weeks I realized that he was now done with school pretty much forever and that from this point on in his life, he was just kinda living. For pretty much ever, I’ve always had school as sort of my life defining thing. It’s something that I feel little control over and that largely dominates my schedule. School is just a constant thing I have going on, even semesters I took off, school was still there, lurking on the periphery, waiting. The rhythm of time off and on classes has ultimately been the rhythm of my life for so long that to think of a life without it is sort of weird. I still tell myself that it’s alright if I fuck off for the rest of the day if I did some homework before.
But the reality is that I’m already far past my “school days” and now school is just one more thing that I do. I already have one degree and am about to finish up another. I can stop whenever I want to really and there is nothing to prevent me from doing so. More importantly, being fully on my own, the bills don’t give a flying fuck how I’m doing in class or if I’m keeping up with the reading; every month things need to get paid. I still feel like an interloper in this world of adults. The idea that I pay a mortgage and can go borrow money to buy a car or charge whatever I want is utterly insane to me. I wonder if this is how it feels for everyone forever? Will I ever really feel like a serious grown up, like it’s reasonable for me to be in this world of taxes and insurance and amounts of money that are so high they feel fake?
I hope not, I’d like to stay a silly young dude forever.